Preparing for prison; reliving my past trauma

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

I must have been really tired, because I slept way past the time that the lights came on. I didn’t open my eyes until the gate was roughly yanked open, and one of the guards placed our breakfast on the floor.

I slowly opened my eyes, and stared at the wall. It was hard to figure out what I was feeling from moment to moment. That morning I was emotionless. I felt this dull feeling creeping over my body. It was almost as if my body knew that I would have to adjust to something new, so it was adjusting in accordance.

I slowly sat up and looked around. The girls had already started eating, so I got up and went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. When I got back the girls were already done. I retrieved my tray from the doorway, and sat down to eat. I picked at what looked like eggs, and sausage. It was all about sustaining, and I knew that I couldn’t be picky, but damn. Why couldn’t they use a little seasoning? I tried not to gag as I shovelled the rest of my breakfast into my mouth. Thankfully they had brought a pot of coffee, which helped to wash down the bland taste of the food.

I placed my plate by the door, and lay back down. For some reason, I was extremely tired. It had been about three days since I had gotten a good night sleep, so it welcomed me into its darkness, and I did not resist.

The next sound I heard was the gate opening, and one of my cellmates was gently shaking my shoulder. “Mamacita! You go!” I opened my eyes and saw three officers standing at the entrance of the gate. One of the officers was Officer Rodriguez, and as happy as I was to see him, I knew that his presence was going to bring me some pain.

The officers gestured for me to gather my things. As I sat up, my insides were tightening. I realized that shovelling down that food, and then laying down was probably a bad idea because I could feel it all coming back up. I excused myself and walked quickly into the bathroom. As I leaned over the toilet and I saw all that I had eaten for breakfast come back up, my head swarmed with images of my upcoming situation.

“Come on Simone. Get it together. You have to do this whether you want to or not!” I washed my face, and did a quick clean up. I knew that they were waiting for me, and I was trying to delay it as much as possible. I heard a knock on the door, so I turned off the water. “Alright! Here we go!”

When I opened the door, the older of my cellmates was standing there with her clothes in hand. “I go too!” I realized that what she was telling me was that she was going on this prison trip with me. It set me at ease, and I moved out of the way so that she could go into the bathroom. I began to gather my things and looked around the room that had become my home. I was not sure how to feel. I know I had not liked it here, but I had adjusted to not knowing the time, I had adjusted to my roommates. I had adjusted to the crappy food (sort of). I now would have to adjust to a whole new set of circumstances.

As I gathered my things, the gate was opened again, and Officer Rodriguez came back in. When I looked at his face, I thought that I saw a glimpse of sadness. I was not sure if this sadness was because he was going to miss me, or if it was because he knew something about my future that I didn’t. I smiled at him, and his expression changed. He picked up my bag and escorted me out of the cell. It was the first time that I had been out of there in a few days, and I strangely welcomed the limited freedom I felt in that moment.