I should have left him alone, but the heart wants what it wants; Reliving my Recovery

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

The funniest part of my trip was when I got to the border. I drove up, wondering how I was going to tell the custom officer that the only thing that I was bringing back was $100.00 worth of snacks and treats.

I should have been worried about how difficult it would be to cross the border, instead of what I was going to tell them, but my thoughts were scattered; can you blame me.

When I pulled up, the officer opened the window,

“Citizenship Miss?”

“Canadian.”

He reached for my passport, and I handed him the paperwork from Mark’s office. He reviewed them quickly and looked up at me.

“Do you have anything to declare?”

“Yes.” I paused, and then I picked up the bag from my seat. “I have a whole lot of candy sir.”

He started laughing. “I get it, trust me. When I cross the border, I usually pick up all of my junk food too. Have a good day Miss.”

“Thank you,” I said, relieved. I smiled to myself and drove off.

The drive home was smooth, and as usual, I did a lot of thinking. I decided to drive straight to my boyfriend’s house, because I needed a break from home. I knew that if I went home, my mom would be asking me a million and one questions, and I was not in the mood.

I have not spoken about my relationship with David for a minute, and for good reason. Things with him were not good. When I look back at things now, I realize that I should have given him his space to process everything. Since I had been back, he had shared just how difficult it had been for him. It was one of the reasons why he had been so upset with me when I got back.

Although we hung out together still, there was a noticeable difference in how he treated me. The loving, sweet person that I knew was gone. A sullen, quiet man who at times was sweet to me, but at times was very dark, secretive replaced him.

When I got to David’s house, I had to wait downstairs. He was out running errands, so I took the time to reflect on the day. I realized how anxious I had been because the ache that I had felt earlier in the day was gone. I was a little hungry, so I decided to head over to the mall that was located close to David’s house. I figured instead of waiting in the car, I would head there.

He still had not given me back keys to his house, which shows you where his mind was. I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that he had lost respect for me, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I had ended up in prison, or if it was his thoughts about what he believed he had seen on the phone. Regardless, being around him felt different; almost like being around a stranger.

My phone rang and snapped me out of my thoughts. It was David.

“Hey,” I answered. “Are you home yet? I am over by the mall grabbing a bite to eat, did you want anything.”

“No, I am good. I will be home in about 20 minutes. You can meet me there.”

Maybe I was oversensitive that day, because I sensed something in his voice.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes! Just had a long day. Pick me up something, it doesn’t matter what. I am hungry and it has been a long day. See you later.”

“Okay, I love….

Click.

He hung up the phone, and I sat there looking at the screen. I knew in my head that it was over, but denial is a real thing. I should have left him alone, but the heart wants what it wants.