All I could do was pray! Reliving my past trauma

BY SIMONE J. SMITH

“I didn’t know at the time, but this man, this officer would become my guardian angel during my time in the Panamanian holding cell.”

When I woke up the room was pitch black. It was my second night in the holding cell, and I had been tossing and turning most of the night. The newspapers that were serving as a mattress were strewed around me. I sat up. My hips had begun to hurt me, so I figured I would give them a rest.

I scouted back against the wall, leaned back, and closed my eyes. I think that I had been hoping that when I woke up, my living nightmare would have ended, but here I was. I could hear the television on behind the steel gate. I heard faint laughter, and what sounded like a shift change. As my eyes adjusted to the dark space around me, I saw that the other girls were still asleep. Sleep seemed to be the only thing that was keeping us all sane.

My second day had given me a chance to orient myself with my current situation. I had gotten myself into a real mess, and I couldn’t help but think of the situations that had brought me to this point. I knew that I would have to ride this one out.

My mind went to my parents again. Oh lord! I could imagine my mom’s face: stressed out, worried, trying to pull everything together, and my dad: stoic, thoughtful, and wondering how I got myself into such a spot.

I also thought about my business. I had been working so hard on doing better, becoming a better person. What was going to happen with my business? I know David had arrived home, and was working through everything. I will never forget the look on his face when they took me away. He seemed so helpless. I felt myself tearing up, so I pushed all thoughts out of my mind. I was not going to cry. Crying was not going to help this situation. I had to focus my energy on getting through this.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement. I stood up quickly. Was that a mouse? I felt my heart speeding up. I was terrified of everything creepy and crawly, and would escape a situation that put me in the same space of anything that was creepy and crawly. I stood there with my neck pillow in hand and waited to see if there was any movement. The ten minutes that I was standing there felt like forever as I peered into the dark, praying that whatever was moving, had found a place to settle.

The light coming from the small window in the bathroom was getting brighter, so I knew that morning had finally come. I was relieved. I had made it to day three. The voices outside the cell were getting louder. I know that my guardian angel guard was gone, and that made me sad. Somehow having him there brought me solace. Knowing that he was gone made me feel alone again. I knew it was going to be another day of being closed in completely.

I slid down the wall, and found myself in a comfortable sitting position. I closed my eyes and began to pray,

“God! If you find it in your will, help me get through this. Give me the strength to get through each day. Continue to send your angels to encamp around me. Give my parents comfort and strength, and help them navigate this situation. Help David find peace with this, and please, please let my business be okay.”

 I opened my eyes, and sat there, awaiting the rising of my cellmates. I had made it through yesterday, and I was going to make it through today. I just hoped that my angel would be working at some point today.