Helping friends leave abusive relationships

Understandably, escaping an abusive relationship is far from easy. As they say, it takes seven times before a survivor leaves their abusive partner for good. For those who choose to help a relative or a friend leave an abusive relationship, they are doing something courageous that comes with risks. Although I see nothing wrong with wanting to help someone in need, no one can help someone who does not want to be helped.

While scrolling through my feed on Facebook, I came across a post that discussed that severing ties with a friend who refuses to leave an abusive relationship is not the right thing to do. The post further explains how the goal of the abuser is to isolate the victim and how friends who give their friends ultimatums in these types of situations do more harm than good.

“You aligned more with the abuser to them than you think,” the post concludes.

While a few people in the comment section partially agreed with the isolation aspect, many disagreed with the post. They even shared personal stories where they had to distance themselves from a friend who was in an abusive relationship, because they kept taking their abusive partner back, or they refused to accept any help that had been offered to them for their own well-being and safety.

One Facebook user shared that they were a domestic violence survivor. They also explained how no one is obligated to stay in a dangerous situation just because they are. “My friends deserve safety just as much as I do,” said the user in their comment.

Another user shared that they and a few other friends had to rescue a friend who was in an abusive relationship on more than one occasion. It got to a point where even the friend’s children had to reach out for help. The friend eventually got out of the relationship before willingly moving on to another person who was not a better option. The user concluded that while they will continue to be there for the people they care about, they will eventually have to choose better for themselves at some point.

Helping someone in need is a commendable and selfless act. However, one cannot forget that they need to protect themselves and establish boundaries because people who have helped others in these types of situations can suffer from secondary trauma, or they could lose their life while attempting to help someone.

Just because someone does not want to help someone who does not want to be helped, it doesn’t mean they are aligning themselves with the abuser. Someone must know when to put themselves first and protect their mental health and safety.